thursday

over this week,

things have changed so much.

i'm still kind of adjusting.

but didn't really have time to really sit down and think about them cuz finals and projects and papers are  due this week or next week.

i just finished my final for 335, it doesn't go so well i think.

i heard some people complaining about the difficulty but dunno if i'm in the norm or not.

i have 210 final tomorrow, so gonna spend my day and night studying for that.

and I have a project and a paper due next wednesday so gonna be pretty busy recently.

so yeh as i mentioned things have changed this week.

first, I kind of upset one of my best friends over the weekend. I was a bit paranoid that I might lose her as my best friend and I would be all alone and stuff.

I apologized and everything's fine now. 

second, I was awarded a scholarship and I'm kind of surprised about it since I've been turned down most of the time regarding academics. I mean I'm doing well in school but I just don't feel like I'm recognized or something. I guess my hard works pay off eventually.

third, this one is really really personal and I would not talk about it on the blog.

it's a totally new things to me and i'm glad it just happened.

I'll just put a big smiley face for the third one :D

yeh. i can't wait for the quarter to be over you know. it's getting a bit overwhelming now.

all the works and all the emotions and feelings.

Good news guys

I was just notified.
I was awarded a scholarship that I applied for about 1 to 2 months ago.
:D

Good vid tuesday

this is freaking awesome! i want to try it sometime!


this is hilarious especially if you understand what the Huqin players are saying.

saturday night

so i just went to my honor society's party.
it was fun. had some beer and got to talk with few people from my bioengineering cohort.

i think i'm officially over the incident.
i'll definitely try to get in again in the near future maybe during spring break or whenever i'm done with this quarter.
getting my optimism back.
i guess the world isn't that bad after all. i just have to stay strong and get my shit together.

the more i think about it the more i am hating everything including me

especially those young couples, ewww how do they even get in love like seriously. ewww.

i don't know.
i've waited for 21 years and all i got was rejection like i have not enough of that yet.

going to my honor society's party later. i hope i can at least forget about stuff tonight.
but i don't know... it's a party with a lot of socializing. i'll probably just sit in the corner and drink my beer. that's good enough for me.
oh and i got a few works done today. yay me for successfully separating my emotions and work.

saturday

i noticed several grammar mistakes and typos in my previous furious post but i don't bother to correct them.

after i got back home around 10 pm i immediately went to bed
and cried while listening to sad songs alone in my bed
and i couldnt really fall asleep until it was 3 am
I just couldn't stop thinking about what had happened.
i know i might have overreacted or been too emotional but there're also many reasons to me being like that that i don't want to talk about.

A night of thinking had turned the emotional thoughts down and the rational thoughts came up.
And this is the conclusion I made (even though there're still a few emotional components in it)
I've waited 21 years and there I was crying in my bed alone on a Friday night a day after my birthday.
It shows how worthless I really am. My life is just a joke.
Plus this world has proven itself unfair, not surprisingly, again.

but I also thought that I could not let this one thing drag my productivity down. I need to separate my work and my emotion. I still have 2 weeks to go and I still have works to do, so I still have to work and stop thinking about it so much.

I'm really really damaged. I don't think it could ever be fixed.
I'm not mad at anyone. I just don't like people anymore they're so damage inflicting.

Also there's a party tonight hosted by my honor society I think I should go because they have beer which means more drink.

have a great one your ass

so I'm finally 21 and it means nothing.
fucking shit
I'm super angry upset and depressed right now.
i though i can do anything go anywhere but that's definitely not true for this fucking world and fucking me.
so i decided to go to a club tonight, friday night to have some fun.
but when i was going in and had my id check that fucking bouncer told me that i could not go in.
i was like what wait.
but i don't want to argue cuz there's another person behind me going in too.
as i walked out and i heard them laughed and shit.
i mean what the fuck.
i'm super super sad right now and i don't want to talk to anyone and fuck this world.

i'm back home now and just going to drink by myself and fucking get buzzed and shit.
i have my own alcohol and no one can stop me from drinking them

fuck this.

my love

sweet freedom.
but don't worry guys, i hate vomiting and I support responsible drinking,
so i usually just drink a few bottles of beer or 2 or 3 shots of hard liquor.
I know my limit.